If you could only see
by RockafellaSaint
Summary: Spike thinks about Julia and Faye as he goes to die. This is my first story so please go easy on me. This is a SpikeJulia, even though I prefer SpikeFaye pairings. ONE SHOT!


A.N: This is my first story, ever, so I would like it very much if you took it easy on me and didn't flame me. Just tell me what you think and how I can make it better, thank you for your help.

Disclaimer: I do not own Cowboy Bebop or the song, so don't sue me.

Key:

Story

''Thoughts''

'_Song'_

If you could only see.

It wasn't that far to the place he had chosen to die, but it seemed as if the miles stretched on forever. He was tired, from sorrow and from lack of sleep, and the last meal he would ever have wasn't sitting too well in his stomach. All in all it almost seemed as if something was trying to make it so he couldn't reach his destination, but that was absurd, as absurd as trying to rationalize what he was doing to an absent comrade. But he was doing that, explaining over and over to her in his head why he had to go, hoping that somehow she would hear it and understand, and be able to let him go. He came up with all sorts of excuses as to why he had to do this, but none seemed to quite capture his meaning, and he kept wishing silently that Faye could have seen the way Julia was when they where together, maybe then she could have understood. Perhaps then she would see why he felt the way he did about her, and how he needed to be with her, needed to do what he was doing now.

'_If you could only see,  
The way,__  
She loves me,__  
Maybe you would understand,__  
Why I feel this way,__  
About,__  
Our love,__  
And what I must do.' _

He knew that if Faye could see how intensely blue Julia's eyes burned when she told him that she loved him she wouldn't even question his going; she would encourage him to go. She would have to; no one could deny the necessity of going after looking into Julia's eyes.

'_If you could only see,  
How blue,__  
Her eyes,__  
Can be,__  
When she says,__  
When she says she loves me.' _

Spike knew Faye had her reasons for asking him, in her own way, not to go, but he also knew that those reasons where really just lies. She had a crush on him, nothing more than that, she thought she loved him, but it was nothing compared to the way he felt for Julia. Her revelations about her past however, and about him, had hurt him somehow, made him feel small in a way that he didn't enjoy. Without even intending to, she cut him down, and that made him angry. She thought she loved but she didn't really, and she had the audacity to belittle his love. She thought she had given away her heart, but she hadn't really, not the way he had. ''Someone like her could never understand.'' He thought angrily, as the image of Julia's beautiful blue eyes closing for the last time played in his mind.

'_When you've got your reasons,  
When you've got your lies,__  
When you've got your revelations,__  
That cut me down to size._

_You say you love  
But you don't,  
You'll give your heart but you won't_

_If you could only see,  
__The way,  
She loves me,__  
Maybe you would understand, _  
_Why I feel this way,__  
About,__  
Our love,__  
And what I must do.' _

He felt the tears that he had been holding back since that moment of the roof sting is eyes again, but this time he didn't blink them away. This would be the last chance he would ever have to cry for her, and she deserved to be mourned, she deserved his tears. So he let them trail from his eyes, and down his cheeks; and he remembered all the times they had had together.

'_If you could only see,  
How blue,__  
Her eyes,__  
Can be,__  
When she says,__  
When she says she loves me.'_

Someone once said to him that when they died, they wanted to die for love, and he had mocked them for there foolish notions, but that was then, that was before Julia. The person who had said that to him died two weeks later, he had died for money, not love. And Spike had mocked him still, as he stood at the gravesite, the soil still freshly turned. The next day he had met Julia, and suddenly that notion didn't seem so foolish anymore. It was ironic, that the man who had wanted to die for love hadn't, and the man who had mocked the idea was on his way to do it. Despite what he told Jet, it was for the girl, it had been and always would be for the girl, from the moment he first saw her standing across the billiards table from him in that dusty little bar, until now, it was for the girl. He hoped that if someone where to hear his story years from now they would be able to laugh about it and say, now there was a guy who knew how to take the road less traveled, but still be able to admire the irony of what he had done. He hoped that someday Faye would be able to pity him for how his happiness had unraveled, and would someday know real love and the driving need to keep it that came with true love. He prayed to whatever god there might be that Faye would stop reaching for the love he didn't feel for her.

'_It's the road less traveled,  
It's happiness unraveled,__  
And sometimes you gotta take a little dirt,__  
To keep what you love. _

_That's what you gotta do. _

_You say you love,  
But you don't,__  
You'll give your heart but you won't,__  
Stretching out your arms for something,__  
That's just not there,__You say you'll love where you stand,  
And give your heart where you can.'_

''Please God, help her to understand, somehow.'' He prayed.

'_If you could only see,  
The way,__  
She loves me,__  
Maybe you would understand,__  
Why I feel this way,__  
About,__  
Our love,__  
And what I must do.__  
_

_If you could only see,  
How blue,__Her eyes,__  
Can be,  
__When she says,  
When she says she loves me.'_

He couldn't help but pity Faye, who had never known love, not as he had known it. He wished her luck in love as he walked into the place he had chosen to make his last stand for love in, Julia's glowing blue eye burning in his mind.

'_If you could only see,  
How blue,__Her eyes,__  
Can be,__  
When she says,__  
When she says she loves me…'_

See you space cowboy…

A.N: Tell me what you think.


End file.
